


Against All Hope

by CharacterofStrength



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Stark makes an appearance, V Route Spoilers, fixing ending for Ray with the twins reunited and steady character development for both of them, slice of life while dealing with personal issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-09 07:09:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12271446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharacterofStrength/pseuds/CharacterofStrength
Summary: Spoilers for the 'Another Story' route for V.In which Seven does arrive in time to stop Ray. Ray first person POV.





	1. Chapter 1

I failed. I lost her. I lost everything. How could I have allowed myself to expect anything different--to have once again felt any hope? I scoffed at myself, warm unending tears streaming down my cheeks. I’d been a fool to think any amount of effort could bring me happiness. I was born to feel nothing but pain. Alone, with every single person meant to leave me. Why had I been fighting my fate?

Systems were taken care of. Doors to the outside were locked. Everyone evacuated, I was alone in Magenta. My blurred stare laid on a single wilting flower. The pang of loneliness made my body convulse in a deep sob. I missed her. I'd called earlier, showing my pathetic side one last time. And now my phone was turned off after saying a final goodbye on the messenger. When I first planned this worst-case scenario, my original hope was that she would be sad with my departing. That she would miss me, and never forget.

But as the moment got closer, I gradually cared less about myself or any legacy I could leave behind. I found that no, it would actually be better if she could forget about me. For her to be happy, may it be with V or anyone, it didn't matter. I didn't want her to cry over me. If all the misfortune and misery I lived through had somehow served as balance, as an exchange for her to be happy in equal measure, then it was all worth it.

With this thought suddenly, my mind went clear, my sobs calming down. It was true, this all had been worthwhile. Thanks to her, I had experienced joy, no matter how short-lived. It didn't matter that she couldn't like me back; learning what it was to love someone had been more than I could have ever hoped to accomplish in this life. It had filled my heart in a way I never felt before. My savior had given me purpose, but she had given me life. I'd lived to care about someone else, instead of living on pure survival instinct alone. Maybe I had even stopped hating myself for a brief moment.

It had all been worth it. There were no more regrets, thanks to her. Living during those short ten days was enough, now I could rest forever. My breathing slowed, senses growing acute. I felt light, free. Holding the flower to my chest, I slowly moved my finger over the ignition button--

"STOP!!" A voice cried in alarm. It had been years, but I recognized that voice. I slowly turned toward it, my hand stopped in mid-movement and hovering. "What are you intending to do, hacker?!"

My emotions had been so unexpectedly serene that I caught myself thinking that was a very silly question. That redhead could be so dumb. My brother, such an idiot to appear with the worst timing. That devil. After ruining my life, was he going to ruin my death too? I could only sigh while fate never seemed to give me a break. I was too tired to even feel anger although the worst betrayer had sneaked into my final moments.

"I'm blowing this place up. Since you were born with me, you want to die with me?"

"Sae...Saeran?! ...So it was you... it really was..." His alarmed and shocked expression slowly softened into sadness, and into pity. I hated that look.

"You figured it out, congratulations." I saw him do some motions, and could hear a few people shuffling behind the door, backing off. "I'm serious about the explosion, you should send them home if you don't want their death on your conscience while you're in hell with me." My finger was still hovering over the detonator.

He gave the order for everyone to evacuate immediately, and apparently they all listened. I scoffed; would you look at that redhead being the big boss and everything. Look at him having it all, while I had to rot away all those years. No wonder he’d left me; he was able to reach so high without me always holding him back.

"Is that why you left me then?" He seemed confused at my question; my train of thought had been private after all. "I was just dead weight, but without me you were able to be this multi-talented agent, have all these people under your orders, playing hero against the big bad villain. To be someone."

"...I didn't leave you--" Those words had me losing my cool and I gave him a harsh stare as my finger lowered dangerously. This had him raise his hands in surrender with a soft yelp. It felt good making him panic. "I-I-I meant... I didn't _want_ to leave you, but I did... It was to protect you." Another scoff from me made him lower his hands in defeat. "But now I see I made a poor job of it..."

"No shit!" I usually never swore, so when those words came out of my mouth I hoped the other one wasn't coming out. "My savior also said she would protect me. That's what V had said, too. Apparently protecting is equal to betrayal--to abandoning me!!" My tears resumed their fall. My earlier serene resignation for death was being replaced with anger and regret. This traitor really was ruining it all.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry!! I didn't know this is how you ended up, I was lied to but--It's my fault, this is all my fault..." It was his turn to tear up. I'd always imagined this expression of agony on his face, but somehow it wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be.

"It sure is! What are you going to do about it?! Will you press this and light the place up for me?!" I was usually never aggressive, but the other one was wrestling control.

"Saeran no, please..! Just... ask me more questions, alright? Shout at me some more. Tell me what you've gone through." He was clearly trying to steer my attention away from igniting the place, to somehow defuse the situation using some stupid tactic he probably learned from his agency. It didn't matter, I could press the button any time, so I might as well first get the revenge I'd given up on.

"You left me without a word, because I was weak and useless. But look, I've become a much better hacker than you so who's laughing now?! You might have won in the end... but it was all because of her choice. I can accept defeat since she chose it. She chose someone else... Not me... But she will be happy... It's all that matters..." My muscles slowly relaxed in resignation again as I thought back to my first and last love. True, nothing else mattered, other than her. A voice was telling me I was being pathetic, but why was I even spending any of my energy on someone who had left so long ago, who was a stranger now? I was thinking I should just press that button already--

"She won't be happy if you do this," the redhead interrupted, his arms limping at his sides, looking defeated and sympathetic. "She told me. She cares about you."

"...She does..?" There I went again, letting some hope fill me. God I hated myself; I would really never learn. But when it came to her, I couldn't help myself...

"Yeah, she wanted me to save this Ray guy, I never thought she was talking about you. If I don't do as she says, she'll be extremely sad, and in so much pain..."

He really seemed to try to butter me up with all of this; I wasn't stupid. But a part of me just really wanted to believe it even if it was false so I could feel better, even if it was temporary. Any happiness, or even just relief, had always been solely temporary all my life. My savior had explained to me that these short periods of respite were actually my salvation, they were part of her treatment just as much as the moments of despair were. 

...But my savior had now gone. Had her method really been for the best? Should I really allow myself to hope yet again? I was tired of the inevitable pain that was to follow, even if it was meant to be a contrast for salvation to be felt anew after, in an endless cycle. I was just... tired. And worthless, the voice reminded me.

The redhead had been quiet for a long moment, apparently letting me go through all those thoughts. Was he being considerate, or was this just another tactic? I'd hated this guy with all of my being for years, could I really trust his words now? Why wasn't I as enraged as I had imagined myself to be once we'd meet again after so long?

I was confused, my head was starting to hurt. I'd been so serene and resigned earlier, damn him for ruining everything and having my thoughts all muddled again..!

"You're lying. You're a liar, a traitor. A coward, a cockroach, an idiot." I was enumerating what the voice was reminding me, the reasons why I should hate him, why I shouldn't trust him. But my tone lacked any animosity, any strength.

"I am all those things... But this time I'm not lying. You can confirm it, I'll bring you to her and you'll ask her." He was clearly hesitating to take a step forward, cautious. It showed that he was trying to coax me into giving up and getting away from that detonator.

The worst part was... It was almost working. I was so exhausted from those ten days of intensive work and extreme emotions. I was fed up with putting a fight or even thinking, of listening to that awful scary voice. I moaned and screamed, my head was really hurting now... But there was still this distinctive instinct in the corner of my heart that told me I was being tricked by hope again. That people would hurt me again. This wasn't just the voice. I knew deep down that if I trusted this brother of mine again, I wouldn't be able to turn back. I'd been so resigned to blow myself up moments ago; why did he have to show up and get me thinking and feeling again?! Now, as much as a part of me just wanted to press down and get this over with... I couldn't.

"No, you won't. Why do you even care. You abandoned me without looking back for so long, you obviously don't care what happens to me. You're just saying all that so I don't blow you up."

"That's not true," the redhead spoke softly. "I was wrong to leave you, but I did it believing that was what was best for you, that it was my best shot at getting you a normal life. I never looked back thinking that was protecting you... But never, not a single day passed where I didn't think about you--where I didn't miss the other half of myself. You're the person I love the most in my life..!"

"Then why have you never come back for me?!?" I couldn't help shouting suddenly, sobbing. "I waited so long!! I thought you could never have abandoned me!! In that dark moldy place, I could only wait. And my savior told me, the only way I could see you again would be if I learned the same things as you, if I could surpass you. All I did, all this time, was chase you... Chase your shadow..." My voice lost its power again, thinking back on all those days, those sleepless nights, reading and typing and hoping, while trying to survive until the next day...

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Saeran. I really should have went to you... I was a fool. I was told you were well, that you were happy. But recently with all those secrets we uncovered on Rika and V, I should have guessed they were lying to me... I didn't know you were going through all this... I should have made sure... But I can make it up to you from now on, alright..?" He hesitantly and slowly approached, reaching out a hand. "I'll start by bringing you to her, alright? You'll see her and we'll figure it all out together."

I wiped away some tears out of my eyes, and looked down at that hand that looked so similar to mine. The same size, and just as calloused from typing on the keyboard ceaselessly. That hand stopped a good distance away; it wasn't intrusive, it was an invitation. He was giving me a choice. The choice was to trust him, a stranger, or to keep with the plan and die. Far too often had I trusted strangers that ultimately let me down; Rika, V... But I'd trusted my game tester as well, and I couldn't bring myself to regret that. She had left me too, but... not without first giving me so much. If trusting my brother could give me a shot at seeing her again...

I could always die at any time after all, what did I have to lose?

I slowly moved away from the detonator, and got up from my seat. Saeyoung seemed patient, letting me take the steps. Finally, our hands connected, which put a smile on my brother’s face and had him hug me loosely.

That's right, this was my brother. My brother that had made so many promises when we were kids. Saeyoung and Saeran, twins that had only each other through adversity. A pang of nostalgia hit me, one that forced me to relax and let my guard down. At this point, I didn't care that I were certain to regret this choice down the line. That I would inevitably be betrayed again. As much as I'd forced myself to hate Saeyoung all this time... I'd missed him. Ignoring the voice that told me this was another trap and I shouldn't allow myself to hope, I returned the hug, sighing the tension away, my eyes fresh out of tears. I'd cried so much, thought and felt too many things with my head throbbing; I was exhausted. There was no more fight in me, no matter what that other one within me thought.

My brother seemed to understand my exhaustion because he didn't utter another word, simply grasping my hand gently to lead me out. The infiltration team had truly followed his orders and been waiting outside. After a few words, we were escorted by car, away from the remote building that had once been a paradise. I didn't know what they would do to it, but it didn't matter. I seemed to be at peace again, where nothing much mattered--not revenge, not salvation, not the other guy within--I felt no emotion other than resignation. But instead of being resigned to die like earlier, I was now simply accepting my fate being completely in my brother's hands. Once again, I had no control over what would result of my life, but at least... at least I'd chosen who would have control, and that was Saeyoung. Hopefully, he would not let me down... But that was hope I knew to be dashed in time.

After a long ride, the car finally came to a stop at the break of dawn. I woke up from Saeyoung’s gentle coaxing; apparently I'd fallen asleep on his shoulder in the back seat, what with how completely drained I was. And, well… I was admittedly feeling a bit safe next to him. I mused that this was no different than how my whole life had played out; I was clearly used to going along with the next person that promised that things would get better... So I obediently got out the car, calm and silent.

We were escorted into some kind of building I quickly guessed to be the intelligence unit's headquarters. I was made to wait in an empty room with surveillance outside the door, while my brother promised he would go clear everything up with Jumin Han. I didn't say anything; any fight in me had gone, and I didn't care if Jumin would let me live or get me condemned. I could only wish that I would be allowed to see the girl one last time. It had been so long. The last I'd seen of her was when I introduced her to my savio--to Rika. Thinking about it, I had no clue what had happened to the latter. Even if she had lost to V and had left me behind, I couldn't bring myself to truly resent her for it, and hoped she was fine.

I sat in silence in the empty room for a long time. This was fine, being alone was familiar. But it gave me plenty of time to wonder what they would do to me.

Finally, Saeyoung appeared through the door with a wrapped sandwich and a bottle of water. Ahh that's right, I hadn't eaten in so long, but my stomach had not given any signal. "Hey, hungry?"

"What did they say?" My voice was small, lifeless.

"A lot of things. And a lot has happened. But I told them I would protect you no matter what. Don't worry, I won't break this promise. You should eat." I took the handed food, but only put it on my lap with no intent of actually eating.

"Will I get to see her again?"

"That's another promise I'm not breaking!" He tried to be a little cheerful, but mellowed out when he saw I wasn't reacting. "Actually she's here. She came of her own when I called her. But she won't stay long, she needs to head back to the hospital after."

I'd read all the chat logs, so I knew that back to the hospital meant back to V. But still, my heart filled up with a huge amount of nervous expectation, my face lighting up. She had come for me. "Thanks... Saeyoung..." I'd not uttered this name in years, but it felt comforting to say it, especially when I was rewarded with such a bright smile from my twin. I was still wary and couldn't help doubting him after hating him for so long, but I had to admit he had at least kept one promise now.

And there she was, stepping in with Jumin Han in tow. I genuinely smiled, with tears at the corner of my eyes. I got up without a thought, the sandwich and water bottle falling off but I didn't care. I noticed Jumin's expression however, and thought better than to advance towards her... She moved closer on her own though, stopping three steps away from me. "Ray... You're safe." Her smile was more brilliant than a hundred suns.

"So are you, I'm so glad." My voice turned soft and sweet, the tone I'd always only reserved for her. "I thought I would never see you again... You came to see me, thank you so much..! Now I no longer have any regrets!" I could only be genuinely honest when it came to her.

"Oh no please don't say that! I heard from Jumin what you intended to do--please promise me to never even think about such a thing again! You made mistakes, but you'll atone for it and we'll help you get all better again, alright?"

"Ahh, if you're the one saying so, I might just believe you..! I don't care what will happen to me, I don't belong anywhere, but if it would make you sad for me to go, then I won't, and will do my best. I don't want to cause you any more sadness..."

"That's right, it would make me very sad! But if you kindly let Seven and Jumin get you the best treatment possible, that would make me very happy. Stay nice and get through therapy properly, and we'll see each other again."

"Really?" Was it okay to hope?

"Really. Now, you should eat." She bent down and picked up the sandwich and bottle in order to hand them to me, but having her so close I couldn't help myself and embraced her the moment she rose back up. Jumin made a move but Saeyoung stopped him, allowing us to hug.

"I'm sorry and... thank you. I missed you so, so much..." I sniffed and swallowed back the lump in my throat, trying not to look too pathetic again. While I wasn't a fool and knew full well that she had chosen V, it didn't matter. I couldn't help wanting to embrace her one last time. If I were to endure more pain, I wanted it to be because of her, for her... so I would do my best not to disappoint her with this promise.

"It's okay, Ray. You're okay..." She hugged back a bit before letting go and forcing me to grab and eat the food. After a small chat--one that was kept light-hearted about the garden and flowers--she excused herself to go back to the hospital, back to V.

"I'm proud of you Saeran." My brother grasped my shoulder lightly, having me flinch a little since I wasn't quite used to physical contact anymore, but I tried not to show it too much. I had just hugged the girl earlier so perhaps touching others was fine...

"Yes... So... Am I actually getting this therapy, or did you just tell her that so she wouldn't be worried?" Expecting the worst, my stare remained on Saeyoung as I was a bit scared to look at Jumin, though the answer came in that deep baritone.

"No, it is true. There will only be truth told from now on; you'll learn that I operate in a very different manner from V. You are offered a therapy in the best establishment there is, but that also happens to be the condition to look past your involvement with Mint Eye without repercussion. You must complete treatment to our satisfaction or you will be tried for your actions legally." A trial revealing my true identity would be equal to my death.

"I negotiated really hard for you Saeran, Jumin is one tough cookie!" Saeyoung chimed in, the two of them then waiting for an answer.

"Alright... There's no other choice, so I'll do my best. But to let you know... When I think too much my head hurts a lot so I need my medication..."

"That wasn't medication," my brother replied, "that was a drug that Rika made you take, which I think _caused_ your headaches. We're gonna need to detox you, and Madam Vanderwood will know what to tell the doctors for that, don't worry."

In truth I knew all that already, and gave a resignated nod which Jumin found satisfactory enough to go make the necessary preparations. I was aware the party was planned for that day so Jumin might have been busy with it, but was told nothing about it, and had no will to inquire about it.

That very evening, I was admitted into a high security mental illness facility. Once again I was alone, but left with a promise from my brother, and from the girl.

At first, the symptoms from not having my usual medication had me hurting, suffering from extreme physical pain and depression. I regretted my choice deeply, wishing I'd pushed that button and put an end to it all. The only thing I could do was stare out the window to the sky and clouds, since this place had no garden to look down upon. This only served to remind me of my childhood, as I had loved to stare at the sunlit sky back then. I remembered going to get ice cream with my twin. All those sweet words and promises from him. Those that were never upheld... That's right, my savior had told me later on; they had been all lies and fabrication. She had told me I should never trust this person, Luciel, again. And this corroborated with what my other voice had been telling me when I was interrupted from igniting that bomb. I shouldn't trust that redhead's words, the one that had broken my heart in two. Being aggressive was the only way to protect myself, to not be hurt again..! Anger was keeping me and my demon alive. The fear I'd let go of with the choice for death was now filling my heart to the brim. Even my savior had left, my game tester had been tricked by V and left me; people were like thorns that would wound me the moment they got close. 

For a while, I had what they called short bouts of aggressiveness and dementia, while the other one was trying to take over whenever anyone approached; they were the enemy that put us in isolation like this, treating us like a disease. They were trying to expel the demon within me, which only made it grow. Anything was good enough to keep people away; screaming, insults, throwing things around. But when alone, the room's silence was deafening.

It took several days for my thoughts to steer in a better direction. I received a letter from my princess, one that told me I was neither a demon nor a saint, I was simply me, and that she was waiting for me to get better. I found that thinking about her, the one person I'd ever gotten close to since childhood, could lessen my loneliness and help to get through this. Maybe she had known better than me, maybe her choice had been the right one. I remembered the promise I'd made to her before arriving here, and finally could desire to get better. Thus, therapy sessions started. People were actually not blaming or trying to harm me, which was too comfortable and kept me wary for a long time. Thankfully, the voice had gone. I was told it had been caused by the drug. That I was free from it. It was hard to believe, but somehow I was willing to try. I was simply glad that I'd not been completely taken over by him... That the mindless anger had dissipated.

Weeks later, I had made enough progress to get visits and was thrilled to see the girl and my brother. Well, especially her. But I was starting to allow myself to trust Saeyoung a bit, since he was pulling through on his promises such as bringing her to me like this. He made another promise then, to never leave me and never give up on me again no matter what. And just a bit... I believed him.

Months passed. I learned that she was now in an official relationship with V. While I'd expected it of course, it still hurt, and had to discuss it at length in my sessions. I also heard that Rika had been constrained to treatment as well after being apprehended, but it was more like a prison, a correctional facility. She wasn't going well or making any progress. She wasn't even allowed visitors, and I shuddered at the thought of the loneliness. I could only wish her well, powerless as I was.

Meanwhile, my brother managed to cut ties with his agency, though it'd been extremely difficult from what I understood. He said it was for my sake, for when I would be back home. Living with him hadn't been home for several years now, but I let the idea sink in, the therapist also helping through it.

And the day came when I was told I could leave. I didn't know how long I'd been in that place, a year maybe. I wasn't sure how I was meant to live in outside of there, how I was to behave around my brother. But if it meant I could see her some more... I was willing to grasp my courage and try my best, however scary was this outside world in which I'd never thought I could fit in. My thoughts were now so different from a year ago, and Saeyoung had been so positive about it, maybe I could hope this would be okay. Maybe I could trust again.

All this had been her gift to me after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 'Another Story' route is one that takes place almost two years prior to when Seven's route would have taken place. Ray was kinder and not as aggressive as his counterpart personality 'Unknown', whom we learn only came out on occasion because of the elixir. That's why Ray did not fight as hard as the 'After Story' Saeran did; before the explosion of Magenta he had given up on living, and wasn't hell-bent on anger being his protection from the world and his brother. Ray was actually very smooth and an honest though traumatized soul in this route, and I have to admit to completely falling in love with him and being unable to move on before writing him a good ending. I cannot accept the ending Cheritz gave us; as much as I loved this company dearly before, I felt betrayed. I needed to fix this through fanfic. I'm thinking I'll write more chapters to this, any comment would be appreciated, thank you.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran graduates from his time in the mental health facility to start a new life with his brother. Saeran first person POV.

Of course my stupid brother had to pick me up in a uselessly flashy sports car. As we traveled, I wasn't sure if it was the seat that was uncomfortable, or the awkward tension I felt between us. Pressing down my thumb into my opposite palm, I reminded myself what therapy taught me: it was okay to trust again. Saeyoung had nervously been trying to joke around until seeing that movement, then turned gentle and quieter for the remainder of the ride.

"Welcome to our brand new home!" He announced as we pulled up in the driveway of an old house. I'd been shown pictures of it, but being there felt foreign. This must have been a pretty remote area, the neighborhood was quiet and green with nature. It wasn't isolated like Magenta, what with the neighbors only a dozen meters away, but it still felt peaceful for which I was glad.

The garage door closed behind us and I noticed how small the space was, with just two cars being able to fit. Only, there wasn't another car. After slowly climbing out of my seat with a duffel bag in tow and swinging the door closed, I couldn't help asking my brother. "Where are your other cars?"

"Ahh, well I sold all of them, we've only got this one left. So we'll take good care of this baby, won't we~?" He started talking in baby speech while lovingly stroking the hood.

So he had given them up, probably for the sake of this new life. I wasn't sure what to feel about him performing a sacrifice like that, so I decided to stop thinking about it.

I was led inside the side door and ended up in the kitchen, which was very bare spare for some bags of chips on the counter. I didn't linger too long and crossed over to the next room, the living area. It was empty as well, safe for a few boxes of electronics in disarray in a corner. My step reverberated off the walls.

"There isn't much right now, but I thought we could decorate together once you came home!"

"'Home' still sounds so weird." I was told by my therapist, Dr Lee, to keep honest and express my feelings, so I didn't sugar-coat it for him. "This place's so empty it feels like an abandoned house."

"Yeah, but it's empty so you and I can fill it in. It won't be just my place, it'll be our place."

I thought about it a moment. "Actually that sounds good. I can't let you choose stuff on your own, your aesthetic sense is horrible. Those clothes you got me were so drab and colorless."

"Hey! Zen picked those out! He said my fashion sense couldn't be trusted!" The defensive reaction had me smile a bit, which made my brother smile in turn. "Speaking of Zen, he said he might stop by for a tiny bit tomorrow, you know, just to see how you're doing? Only if you're ready to see people though."

"Yeah, I don't mind." I'd seen Zen once before, when the girl was busy and couldn't make it for visitation. I was pretty sure Saeyoung simply roped him into it, but I didn't mind. The guy was quite over-dramatic, but he was good at bringing the spotlight on himself in conversation, so it might not be too awkward... However, the person I wanted to see was... "But what about the party coordinator? When will I get to see her? I miss her a lot." Despite my best efforts at sounding casual, my voice was a bit pleading.

"She's busy with a few things, though she might come this week. But Saeran, remember please, not to obsess over her." Saeyoung spoke softly. It seems he was heeding Dr Lee's advice to keep me in check about that, although in a gentle and non-reproachful manner. He even went so far as to slowly reach out and press his thumb into my palm.

"You're right." I nodded and sighed.

"Good, but you must be tired. Want me to show you to your room so you can take a break?" He picked up the duffel bag, carrying it upstairs and leading the way.

The door opened with a small creak, revealing a wide room with nothing but a bed for furniture. The main feature however was the grand window at its center. I immediately walked in and opened it, feeling the air and looking above and below. It was old-fashioned, able to be opened wide, allowing me to even sit on the windowsill.

"I knew you'd like the window, that's why I gave you the biggest room."

"Thanks. Hey, can we have a garden down here?"

"Sure. This place is just as much yours, you do whatever you want."

"Great. I want to plant a ton of plumerias. Even maybe daffodils... It will be beautiful and relaxing."

"I don't know anything about flowers, so whatever you think is good. I'll let you rest a little bit, but I wanted to tell you Madam Vanderwood is coming later. She's bringing your new identity." We hadn't discussed it before since breaching the subject inside the institution's walls was risky, but I knew what that meant. It was too dangerous for us to live as Saeyoung and Saeran Choi, at least until the prime minister's last breath.

"...She? I thought that was the man who fooled around in the messenger that one time."

"Don't sweat the details Saeran. Come tell me when you're hungry, alright?" The door was left partially opened after he left.

I spent a long time sitting at the window, taking in the surroundings and the view of the sky from there. The clouds were fluffy and white, my favorite. I caught myself thinking I was pretty happy, all in all. The first moments alone with my brother weren't as awkward as I imagined them to be. The house was old, but had a great view, and even space for a garden. I had a real room of my own.

I would also get to see the girl, the party coordinator soon… But the thought had me sigh; thinking about her had turned bittersweet ever since I was told that I had an unhealthy obsession about her. My therapist said I had to define my life based on something other than her, something within myself. I still couldn't quite understand what that meant, though. I'd only ever had revenge and self-pity to express who I was. Now, I would be hard-pressed to answer should someone ask who I am or what I stand for.

Really I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, but I was told it was fine to take as long as I needed to figure it out. At least, I was glad that things were looking up a bit. Maybe I could eventually start living, instead of just surviving.

I didn't know how much time I spent alone with my thoughts, but the urge to join my brother again surprised me. Loneliness had to do with it, but maybe I was also actually giving a shot at building trust and a relationship again. Dr Lee would have been proud, though he would have said _one step at a time._

So I took that first step, leaving my room in search for Saeyoung. I heard the house front door and stepped down the staircase to find this Madam Vanderwood at the entrance, removing his shoes when my brother and I hadn't bothered.

"Ugh, this place is filthy."

"Won't you clean it for us, oh Cleaning Fairy?!"

"Don't start this bullshit, 707. I'm already doing you a favor with the fake identification. Ahh, and it's for him, huh? Hi, I'm Stark."

"Nope, she's Vanderwood."

"I changed my name, remember?!"

"I'm Saeran. Or whatever name you've got on those papers." I interrupted, not really caring much about their ridiculous attitudes. I was handed said papers, and read over my new name.

"Congratulations, Joon-ho Park."

"...Couldn't have thought of a more common name?"

"Aww did you want a special one like mine?!" Saeyoung pulled out his wallet and showed off his shiny new driver's licence, which read Jae-in Park. Leave it to him to choose a unisex name.

"Why didn't you make it Jae-in Jang?" I joked with a poker face.

"You know her?!" He gasped excitedly.

"Who lent me his iPod with all his music for so long? Idiot." Saeyoung giggled bashfully.

"...You two seem to get along just fine." The Stark guy-woman-whatever remarked. My brother and I looked at each other with a bit of surprise painted on our expressions, but Saeyoung quickly smiled again.

"Yeah, and I'm really happy."

"...Don't think you're out of the woods yet Saeyoung. But I guess you're right."

"WOOHOO! Let's celebrate with Honey Buddha Chips!"

"How about some real food instead?" Stark said, looking pretty discouraged.

"Haha, I guess we could order some pizza. But you're not invited Vanderwood! Shoo, shoo!"

"After all I've done for you?! How can you be this stingy?!"

"He can stay." I said calmly. I knew he was just trying to be considerate on my first day home.

"Ah then you got lucky, Madam. Feel free to clean a bit while you wait for the pizza delivery." Saeyoung pulled up his cell phone with a mischievous smile and walked away to make the order.

"...I've been had."

In the end, it seemed true that Stark couldn't resist cleaning, just as Saeyoung predicted. I offered to help at least, though I had no idea what I was doing. It was a new experience, someone actually teaching me how to dust, wipe and sweep. The food was there in no time and the three of us stood around the kitchen island to eat pizza and drink Dr Pepper, since there were no chairs. But it was quite fun sharing food with other people like this. Saeyoung and Stark were still endlessly kidding around like two birds bickering on the same branch, but even that felt enjoyable, lively.

Stark eventually left, but only after having cleaned the first floor to his satisfaction. Saeyoung had even tried to coax him into doing the second floor, but I stopped him.

Before we knew it, it had gotten dark outside; my favorite time of day to go see flowers and nature... Although I hadn't been able to do so for a year. It gave me the urge to go outside right now…

"Hey, can I go for a walk?"

"Sure, but it's dark out, will you be alright alone?"

"...Huh? I can go alone? It's that easy?"

"Yeah, of course it is. You're allowed to do whatever you like, Saeran. You're free. But you're new to the area, so just don't get lost alright? Wait, I got a gift for you." Saeyoung rummaged into one of the boxes full of electronics and pulled out a phone. "It's yours. You can call me if you need. And if anything bad happens, look, you just press on this app and it will automatically send me your location."

"Okay... Thanks. I can really go..?"

"Yep. I trust you. Have a nice walk."

I was still baffled by those words as I strode down the quiet street. I'd never been told I was free to do whatever I wanted like this before. Was this really okay? Could I really be allowed to be left alone, taking my time to stop at every flower bush I found, coming back at any time I saw fit? Didn't Saeyoung think of the possibility that I'd never come back?

Did he really... trust me?

When I did return, it had probably been more than an hour. I found Saeyoung sitting on the kitchen counter, fiddling with his phone, probably typing on the messenger. Seeing as he hadn't gone to his room and instead chose to stay on the first floor near the window, he must have indeed been worried, but was trying not to let it show as he asked casually, "How was it?"

"It was nice, plenty of flowers in the area, and they shone beautifully in the moonlight. Very peaceful."

"I'm glad." A genuine smile appeared under those glasses. "Hey, you can take a shower. There's only one towel we have to share, so you go first."

I scoffed but took the offer, making my way upstairs. I couldn't believe how this place lacked everything; apparently my brother owned barely nothing besides that extravagant car. Either that or... he'd simply left it all behind. He did mention it had been difficult leaving the agency, but kept from giving details. Did he really sacrifice so much for me? It slightly bugged me, but the warm water helped wash the worry away a bit.

After my shower, I knocked on his door to tell him the bathroom was free, and bid him good night.

I laid in the unfamiliar bed that was now mine. I stared out at the moon through the window that lacked curtains. Now that I stopped moving my body, I couldn't help my brain running at full speed. Everything I'd chosen not to think about too much during the day came with a revenge. Intrusive thoughts assaulted me.

I couldn't sleep.

Things were going way too well, weren't they? Was I just being fooled? Trust could be nothing more than blindness at times; actually it'd been that way more often than not. There was a catch, surely. Saeyoung wasn't a saint. After all, I'd been told continuously how crooked and sly he was, he could be deceiving me right now… 

But the person that had told me those things had been my sav--Rika. She was ill, just like me.

I pushed my thumb into my palm with great strength, grounding myself the way I'd been taught to at the institute. What would he have to gain from hurting me? He had made mistakes that I was still struggling to forgive, but the months of questioning and treatment had brought me a realization. Why did Saeyoung save me that day, instead of running from the bomb? Why did he bring me to a place to help me? Why did he constantly visit, without ever asking anything in return?

Because my brother loved me. He would repeat it, at the end of every visit before leaving.

The moon had shifted so far that it was probably the middle of the night, but I knocked on his door.

"Saeran..? Can't sleep?" The mess of red hair put down his phone next to him on the bed, looking worried but giving a smile that seemed apologetic. "I can't either. I just keep wondering... Are things okay? Are you okay? Have I done anything wrong? I'm sorry I chose our new house without you, but we'll go shopping tomorrow and fill it with only things you like, and we'll make you feel at home and--"

"I don't care about... things." I cut him off since he had a bad habit of talking too much and rambling like this. "Whether there's a couch or not, I don't care. What's important is that... You're here. You... haven't given up on me, like I expected you to. "

"Of course I didn't." He sighed. "You're my brother and I love you, and we're finally together like I've always dreamed of during all those years, and I... Uh, wait." He scoffed at himself, sitting up on the bed. "They told me I shouldn't just go _I-I-I me-me-me_ , but ask more about you. I'm sorry I didn't ask all day but I was a bit... scared. How are you feeling? I want to know about you. I'm listening."

I was now used to that question; how was I feeling. The first person to have ever asked me had been her, my first and last love, and I'd been so happy... But at the institute in the beginning I'd come to resent that never ending question that had no definitive answer. In the later months though I got used to it, and even came to accept it as a comforting ritual to be asked. I was silent for a bit as I gathered my thoughts, but the hint of a smile was at my lips, happy my brother finally asked.

"I'm good, and not good at the same time. Like, things are going too well and I can't help expecting it to end soon." He frowned at that, but didn't cut me off. It seems he really was heeding what the experts had said. He was really trying, I could tell. "It's still hard to accept that I'm safe... that I'm free. Dr Lee said he was preparing me for it but... I still can't believe I'm free to choose what I do, that I can even get out of the house whenever I want--are you sure you didn't bug that phone to track me earlier?!"

"I'm sure. It's called trust. I really do trust you, Saeran."

"I... want to trust you too. I miss trusting you, trusting the magical spell you cast on me when we were kids." Saeyoung quirked an eyebrow in silent questioning. "When you were saying you'd protect me, you were giving me hope, it was like a pretty spell that made the pain bearable... But right now I just expect all this to turn into a curse, somehow..."

He let a moment of silence pass to make sure I was done talking, then he got up from the bed to face me at the same level. "I was a kid back then. I thought I could and should do anything for you. I actually never stopped wishing to keep you safe with all my power, it never changed. But recently I understood something. I may... have gotten a lot of private sessions with your therapist on the side, you know, for myself."

"Really?" That caught me by surprise; he’d never told me.

"Yeah really, I needed it. It made me realize that what I need to do is to help you protect yourself, help you stand on your own instead of carrying you. You know, give a man a fish and he can eat for a day, but teach him how to fish... When we were young, I didn't trust you, not really. I never let you do anything on your own, I pulled you left and right. I never truly trusted you, until recently. When I saw you working so hard through your therapy, making so much progress... Saeran…  you're amazing." Tears were running down his cheeks. "I'm so proud of you, and while I thought I was saving you, you--you... were saving me."

And now I was crying too.

We slowly moved into a tight hug, the first genuine embrace we shared since childhood.

"I didn't save you... I've been nothing but a burden. You sacrificed so much for me, you even left your agency..."

"No, I didn't sacrifice anything. I wanted out of that place. You gave me the courage to do it. You've given me purpose again, Saeran. You really did save me. I'm so grateful you're here with me... I feel whole again. I was completely lost for so long..!"

"Me too... Thanks… for saving me in the end like you’d promised..."

"You saved yourself. You didn't press that button, and you did your best during treatment. I'm only here to help a bit, give you a little boost. I'm here for you, Saeran, but you accomplished this yourself."

"...How is it that you know exactly what to tell me like this?!" I managed to blurt out after a time as I was outright sobbing now, unable to contain the relief and happiness I felt. No, I reminded myself that I shouldn’t contain but live my emotions, to let them out. Crying wasn't pathetic.

"Well, I told you I had counselling. While the guy doesn't even say much, you just kinda realize all those crazy things on your own thanks to him, don't you?" Saeyoung chuckled, but he was definitely crying too.

"Therapy isn't magical you know. But huh, on my end he said plenty of things. Guess it depends on the person..." We gently broke away from one another, wiping tears away.

"I don't do magical spells like you mentioned earlier either... But I'm helping, right?” I nodded. "Hey we might be quite different with different therapy needs, but you're still my other half. Anyway, the bed's big enough, so… wanna sit down with me until you're sleepy?"

"Yeah." I caught myself smiling widely through my tears. I felt a bit, just the slightest bit, like when we were kids and shared all our time together. Things were obviously different now, but that wasn't a bad thing. While our bond would never be the same as back then, we could forge a new one. I realized, there was no rushing it. No need to blindly trust my brother, only the right amount. This wasn't a hero, but this wasn't a villain either; just a simple guy with flaws and qualities and insecurities, just like me. As Dr Lee had said, nothing was black and white.

"Hey, Saeran. Tomorrow let's go for ice cream, yeah?"

"Yeah!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing Vanderwood gave me LIFE. The relationship between him and Seven is simply too good. Also, I'm sorry this fanfic is like, so detailed and long-winded. I believe the twins deserve a chance to work on their respective issues. I especially wanted to give Saeran this shot, and he came to life and learned and evolved like this so easily..! Has me feel like Cheritz simply robbed us of all this..! I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH. Petition for Cheritz to give us a Saeran route. Then a Vanderwood one. Also, comments are always appreciated. I have ideas for more chapters. (And may I thank Ari for all her input and helping me fix a few things before posting ❤)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran gets used to his new life, but is still searching for who he is. Saeran POV.

I was stirred awake by the sunlight. It took me a moment to regain all of my senses, but when I did I shot up in alarm. Where was I? Those weren't the grey concrete walls I was used to, and the bed felt different too. The place was empty, save for some clothing strewn about and orange headphones abandoned on the floor. I got up and walked out the door, my memories slowly coming back to me. This was where I lived now... this was home, for me and my brother. I reached the adjacent room and saw him, asleep on a similar bed.

Wait... Wasn't this supposed to be my room? Apparently I’d fallen asleep on Saeyoung's bed, who then took the other bed. I shrugged without thinking too long on it and made my way downstairs.

In the fridge, there was only pizza leftovers and Dr Pepper. Nothing I could use. While I held the door open and stared blankly into the emptiness, I heard steps approaching.

"Hey, good morning. What are you up to?"

"...The fridge's empty. I wanted to cook you breakfast but there's nothing."

"Aww how sweet!! You're such a good brother!" Saeyoung stepped in to probably get a hug, but when I didn't budge, he gave up and respected my space.

"Yeah, I guess I can be if I try. But you'll have to get me ingredients."

"We can go get them together."

"...Yeah, huh, I guess we can..."

"Do you… hate shopping?"

"No that’s not it, it’s just been a very long time."

"Then we'll get to do something new together!" His smile seemed strained, forcing himself to be cheerful. I wagered he felt remorse that I hadn’t been free in years. I hated talking about how my life had been while we were separated, so while he was clearly wondering about it, I didn’t elaborate on the subject.

We took the car and headed to a supermarket. Saeyoung said he was glad it was early morning and it wasn't busy, but I found it plenty busy, really. While my curiosity had me looking everywhere, I didn't feel uncomfortable at all in the aisles. It was relieving that all those strangers were acting so normal around me. None of them thought I was a nutcase or a believer or an annoying child. It had been a while since I’d been so anonymous somewhere. On top of that, it was quite fun and satisfying that I could pick out the food myself. My brother helped out a bit, but he didn't seem used to buying vegetables or anything healthy for that matter.

We returned home with several bags filled with food, but also disposable plates, plastic cutlery and even a pan, all of which had barely fit in that impractical sports car. We were starving, but Saeyoung patiently waited for me to cook, although he was obviously eyeing those bags of chips on the counter.

After eating we took off again, this time for a furniture store. It wasn't hard for us to choose together; we both preferred loud and bright colors, though I went towards more tasteful elegant designs than Saeyoung did. The employee there seemed to remember him as Jae-in, from when he bought beds. Thus she wasn’t surprised that money was no issue with this customer even paying extra for same-day delivery. Only once I saw the bill did I realize the amount of money this all represented, and how I was completely penniless. The old me would have felt no remorse having Saeyoung shoulder everything thinking he deserved it, but now…

"I'm sorry I don't have money." I blurted out once we were back in the car. "In return will you have me do something? Like hacking jobs maybe?"

"Haha, our hacking days are over and behind us, brother. And you don't owe me anything, we've got plenty of money to happily fill our home with everything we like."

"You say we, but it's your money and not mine."

"But you're my other half! So you're basically me and I'm basically you, so what is mine is yours and--" Saeyoung cut himself off when he turned and saw my disgruntled face. We really weren't children anymore, that logic wouldn't work. He sighed. "Fine, but I won't make you do anything. You can just pay half of all this back in ten years, with interest if you insist. I don't want you to rush anything alright, just go at your own pace to find a work you'd like to do, okay?"

"Right... Sounds good. Only thing I know how to do is hacking though, so I have no clue what I should do..."

"Hey, you're a smarter guy than me. Whatever you get interested in, you'll learn to do it easily. Don't let anything stop you. Plus I'm here to help okay?"

I nodded and felt a little better. I was still getting used to being given a roof without any conditions or expectations, but I was truly thankful. I just felt bad to receive so much without deserving it, and was eager to prove I could stand on my own two feet; to show Saeyoung but also myself.

After we got home and took a relaxing break, Zen visited as promised, pulling his motorbike into the garage. It was a nice classic design, I couldn't help running my fingers over its warm exterior.

"Hello there Saeran, you like my motorcycle? Wanna go on a ride with me sometime then?" Zen put down his helmet on the seat and took off his gloves.

"Yeah, that'd be great."

"No way!" Saeyoung butted in, close to whining. "That thing is so dangerous, Saeran could get hurt!"

"Because going past the speed limits in this sports car is any safer?" Zen immediately reacted.

"At least I never got into an accident, not once! This guy crashed and almost died you know?"

"I wasn't at fault then! Besides, if I drove with someone I'd be extra careful you know that!"

"I don't mind danger." I interjected. Was this what it felt like to be in the middle of a parents quarrel?

"See? You should let him live a little, Seven. Riding in the wind can be very therapeutic you know. Hey, don't mind your brother too much." Zen told me as he patted my shoulder, a very foreign gesture but I didn't dislike it. "He's just really worried about you, he wouldn't stop texting me yesterday when you stepped out for a walk."

"Zeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!"

"What, it's the truth. Saeran can appreciate the truth; all cards on the table, right?" The actor smiled down at me with a wink in a strangely comforting manner, which had me nod in agreement with a bit of a smile. His wide hand released my shoulder as we all went inside. "It's a nice house you got, but man it's empty."

"We're waiting for the furniture delivery in a bit." Saeyoung reached over to the kitchen counter and opened a bag of Honey Buddha chips, probably his idea of hospitality.

"Dude you still eat those things? You better not have Saeran eat nothing but those!"

"We had pizza yesterday~! If you beg you can get some leftovers~"

"That ain't healthy either, you gotta get salad and veggies!"

"We got some this morning." I spoke up again, opening the fridge as proof. "No thanks to my brother though, all he wanted was to buy junk."

"Hehe, see~ He's the one taking care of me. He even cooked us breakfast this morning!" Saeyoung seemed proud even though he wasn't bragging about himself.

"Oh, you cook? That's great, seems I didn't need to worry. Don't let your dumb brother rub off on you with his chips and soda."

"Right."

"Hey I'm right here!! Urgh, two against one, I'm in a pinch~! Will this Defender of Justice and Honey Buddha Chips survive?!" Apparently Zen's presence had my brother turn into this clown that I'd only really seen in the messenger long ago. I supposed there were many sides to Saeyoung, just like there were many sides to me.

"Nope, your loss, Seven. You're lucky we're not throwing your chips into the garbage right now."

"Savage! To think I even opened a bag for you like a good host; you get none!"

"I don't want any. Gotta eat healthy and keep working out steadily; I got a new role lined-up and it's a very fit character!"

Just as I expected, Zen brought the conversation's spotlight onto himself and started speaking about his career and looks. I had to admit that what he spoke about was pretty interesting though, with this whole musical world being so different from anything I'd ever known. Saeyoung butt in on occasion with some jokes and comments, apparently ready to monetize anything and everything for his own gain. Selling selfies from the actor's debut or sneaking cameras into his gym to sell DVDs of his sweating muscles, all to get back the value of the computer he'd given him a year ago. Those ideas seemed ridiculous and Zen simply let them roll off his back. Apparently my brother had made a Tripster bot that had gotten Zen popular when he first started, and it showed that he was quite thankful. They seemed to be pretty good friends really, with Saeyoung clearly using his jokes to hide the fact that he was actually a big fan. He wasn't fooling me.

The conversation went on like that for a long time until the furniture delivery finally arrived. Zen tried to help out by building the tables with us and giving advice on how to place everything right.

"That's one huge TV you guys got..." He remarked once we were done and taking a break in the living room.

"I wanted the best so I can play the console version of LOLOL with Saeran!"

"I've never played any games with anyone before..."

"It'll be fun~!"

"Speaking of games," Zen sat down on the couch with a flop, looking up at Saeyoung, "when are you going to tell Yoosung?"

"Uurrghhh..."

"Tell him what? What's going on?"

"Just that my brother's home. I told everyone to avoid talking about it on the messenger and all he knows is you'd be back this week."

"...Why?" Was the RFA making secrets again?

"I just wanted to give you enough time to adjust before Yoosung came barging in with a metric ton of questions. Like, it really doesn't help that Rika isn't allowed any visitors and it's still driving him nuts a year later. He even wanted to go visit you at the institute, to ask questions about her. Thank god my car has only two seats."

"Sounds intense, but I'll be fine. I don't know what he wants to ask and I probably won't have much answers, but I can try my best."

"You sure? It'll be annoying!"

"Seven, you can't keep protecting your brother like this, he says it's fine so it is."

"Yeah." I was a bit surprised Zen was this reasonable.

"Alright, guess it's time to install the messenger on your phone then." My brother sighed looking a bit defeated.

"Huh? You'll give me access?"

"Of course! Everyone's been dying to talk to you~ Where's your phone?"

"On my bed." Saeyoung left upstairs with a promise he wouldn't take too long.

"Welcome to the RFA," Zen told me with a handsome smile as I sat down next to him, but his expression turned thoughtful. "Oh unless you don't want to join the organization? You don't have to, you know. Don't feel pressured by your brother."

"Nah joining sounds good. To be honest I've always been a little jealous of Saeyoung being surrounded by people he could call friends."

"We're your friends too now! Well at least... the party coordinator and I are. And you know, I spoke about you with Jaehee a lot so she'll be quick to accept you in our circle. Let's just... not talk about Jumin Han..."

"You spoke about me?"

"Sure, after I met you at the institute. You made a great impression on me you know, I could tell you were trying really hard to get better."

I smiled, that was a pretty nice compliment. "But what about Yoosung who wants to interrogate me?"

"Ahh yeah but I know he'll quickly warm up to you, he really doesn't mean anything bad with his questions, he just wants to understand. I had to take care of him when Rika was revealed to be alive, and I could see in how much pain he was about her behavior."

"...Sounded to me like he just couldn't accept her for who she is. Will he really accept me?"

"Ahh, well he was in denial back then sure… But you gotta understand that it’s a special case; she's his cousin he loves so much. You know, he felt... betrayed. I heard you know a thing or two about that feeling, huh?"

"Yeah..." I didn't expect to get into such a deep conversation with someone like Zen.

"Well Yoosung thought he knew everything about Rika but he didn't. So I think he felt she had lied to him from the beginning. And he wants to help her you know, even now. So I think he wants to learn everything there is about her, and ask you about it since you lived with her a while. Anyway, back then I felt really powerless to help him, and really I still do. I hope that something good can come of you two talking."

"We'll see I guess. Still feels strange that I'm talking about becoming friends when I hacked the messenger a year ago."

"Water under the bridge."

"I guess. But I'm glad I'll be added to the messenger. At least my first friend will be in there, I can't wait to talk to her. I wonder if she's eating well?"

"Hmm yeah..." Zen's answer was vague and he looked a tad conflicted, making me wonder if Saeyoung had told him about that obsession I had to keep in check. "I think she is. But you know, V's on the messenger too, though not that often. Will you be okay with that?"

"I'll be fine, but I don't know about him being okay with me, after what I did to him..."

"He never blamed you, Saeran. Not only were you under the influence of pretty nasty stuff yourself, but he imagines how hurt you were. That's what he said. That, and how he'd wanted to visit you too at the institute, but he was busy with, you know, a personal journey to find what he wanted to do. He hadn't logged in for months until recently."

"And then he came back for her, yeah, I heard."

"Are you... okay about that? About them being together?"

"Nothing much I can do about it, but really I'm just glad I get to still see her again."

"Yeah she's a pretty great girl. But you know, you're a pretty awesome dude yourself, you'll find someone else."

"Pft yeah right, the nut-case fresh out of the crazy house."

"Hey, you know that's not what you are!" Zen was scolding; why was this guy so passionate about everything, even stuff that had nothing to do with him? "Don't put yourself down like that. Find your best qualities and maximize on those!"

"Is that your trick? Why you always talk about your looks? And here I thought it was just because of your insecurities and need for approval. Well, last I heard you were still whining about being single."

"Dude, that's harsh." Despite that, Zen chuckled a bit. Guess he could take the blunt honesty I didn’t want to hold back. "What, because we talked all deep about you, now you wanna turn the tables on me? It's not because you spent a year in therapy that you now have a degree in psychology you know."

"Pfft." I was about to let him off the hook and change the subject, but Zen spoke up again.

"Ahh fine we can do this. You might be right you know, about my insecurities, but I think everyone has some. I know logically that I'm really handsome and a proficient actor and everything, but I can't help feeling like it's not as true if others aren't agreeing. Is it so bad to fish for compliments and validation?"

"Well, I guess not. I don't know about your acting yet, but you truly are good looking." This compliment got me a nice reaction; a wide smile with a tinge of color on his cheeks, evident on his really pale albino complexion. Guess he knew I was still being honest.

"STOP! Stop flirting with my brother!" Saeyoung moved down the staircase.

"I was doing no such thing!" Zen overreacted defensively, looking like a criminal caught stealing.

"You're finally done spying on us?" I spoke in an even tone, clearly not flustered by my brother's antics the way Zen was, which seemed to calm him down.

"You knew?"

"My twin senses were tingling." Sarcasm was becoming more natural the longer I was sticking around him. "Were you hoping to catch me saying how great of a brother you are?"

"A guy can dream!" He purposely sat between Zen and I on the couch, handing me my phone. "You're all set."

I pressed on the new messenger app and fiddled with the settings. I knew this thing like the back of my hand. I caught myself almost setting my username as Ray, the name Rika had given me and that I'd now abandoned. I corrected it to Saeran and hit the confirm button.

"You're not setting a picture icon?" Zen remarked which had me notice how closely those two were observing me right now.

"Nah I don't have any pictures. I don't feel like taking any until I bleach my hair back to white; I couldn't do it at the institution since they only gave haircuts."

"But your hair is almost back to being the same beautiful tomato shade as mine! Just gotta get rid of those white ends--" My brother reached out to my hair but I swatted his hand away.

"Get off me. I want it white again. And I stopped wearing colored contacts but I might get them again once I have money."

Saeyoung went from exaggerated shock to sulking. "But then we won't be able to fool people into thinking we're each other, the way identical twins do!"

"Who does that? And why would I ever want to pass off as my stupid brother?"

Zen chuckled. "Hey I get why you want to look different from Seven; you want to be unique. When I first met you I was surprised to see how you both really have the same facial features, it's crazy. But Saeran, bleaching to white is really harmful for your hair and dries it up real bad. I have this really good conditioning treatment product though, I'll bring it for you next time."

"Oh, thanks..." I didn't really care about the quality of my hair, but other than that I felt like Zen understood where I was coming from pretty well. I might be back with my twin and rebuilding a relationship with him, but that didn’t mean I wanted to be indifferentiable from him. To gain confidence in myself, I wanted to be my own person.

"How about some food?" Saeyoung announced happily, trying to change the subject. I couldn’t get why he seemed a bit upset about us not having identical looks. It was hard for me to understand him sometimes, but I let him distract us and we all headed to the kitchen to see what we could cook up.

I did most of the work since those two knew nothing more than cooking basics, giving the excuse of being bachelors. Reading the recipe really wasn’t that hard, but whatever. We eventually all sat and ate around the brand new dining table. It still felt a bit foreign to chat like this over a meal--over bulgogi, which I got a lot of compliments on--but it gave me this happy feeling I wanted to get used to.

Long after we were done, the three of us remained seated and talked about a number of things. The conversation went back to Zen’s rehearsals and how they would only start in two weeks since some of the roles in the production were still being casted, one of which reminded Zen of my brother’s crazy personality. Saeyoung joked for a while about how he should audition and become an actor too. He wanted to wear wigs and dresses and heels, and while he said it in a playful tone, I could tell he wasn’t kidding--at least about the dress-up part, since I remembered how he’d wish he could crossdress when we were kids. While I didn’t think my brother would be a bad actor, I couldn’t quite imagine him being a serious one, focusing and learning lines that someone else wrote. But Zen seemed to be indulging him, and declared he would hold a test audition now.

On his phone, he had a song's instrumental version play that I immediately recognized as a track on Saeyoung’s iPod. Apparently that was one of Zen’s songs from his most popular musical, which had me realize that not only had I been unwittingly listening to his singing for a few months, but Saeyoung really was a fan of his. I knew it. And apparently Zen knew too, because he fully expected my brother to remember the lyrics by heart.

After a bit of coaxing, Saeyoung took up the audition opportunity and started singing. We were stunned that not only was he being serious about it, but his voice was very good, clear and sweet. Even Zen was impressed, freaking out and asking where’d he learned to sing like that. My brother was bashful but tried to hide it with his usual misplaced gusto, saying he had to learn for one of his missions as an agent. I’m sure Zen wondered just as much as I did what kind of mission that could’ve been, but we knew better than to ask.

Somehow, it was decided that it was my turn to sing after that. I’d never sang for anyone before, so I was hesitant, wondering what would happen if I weren’t any good. But Zen reassured me that it was just for fun, that it was a good form of communication no matter if I would be skilled or not. He even went so far as to give me pointers like standing straight and breathing a proper way. Actually, I have to admit that it was his warm smile and encouragement that convinced me to try it, reading up lyrics for the first karaoke performance of my life. I simply didn’t want his smile to fade if I refused.

To my surprise, I hit the right notes to this song which I’d only heard repeatedly on the iPod for a few months. But what was even more shocking was my audience’s reaction; they both said I was pretty good, that I was a natural since I hadn’t had any previous training, and something about a good pitch and whatever. Really, I couldn’t quite understand everything Zen was talking about and I wasn’t sure if the compliments were truthful, but it still made me smile. I hadn’t done something this nerve-wracking but fun in so long, if ever. Getting complimented like this made me feel like a hundred bucks.

Zen said he had to get going since he had an almost two hour drive home ahead of him--we lived far from the city as I’d expected. But before leaving, he said that my brother and I should both consider musical acting, that he’d be glad to give us lessons since he loved taking young actors under his wing, like he’d done a year ago--really, it took him a while to get to his bike and drive off because he wouldn’t stop spilling stories about it.

But once he was gone, Saeyoung grinned at me with a question. "So whaddya think of what Zen offered? You were trying to find a career for yourself after all!"

"I don’t think I’m cut out for it, but I’ll still give it a shot. I just wanna spend more time with Zen, that was fun. And you? You'd like the attention more than I would."

"Hm you're not wrong, I might take him up on that. Instead of acting in a secret operation, playing around on a stage sounds new and exciting! A good way to kill time if anything. Imagine if I get better at it than Zen; the look on his face!!"

"You're a sadist."

On this high note, we separated for the night and after a shower, I finally entered the chatroom for the first time in a year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just gotta mention how I love that all three of them didn't notice how suggestive "Wanna go on a ride sometime?" could sound, they all pure lol. Also I hope you like Saeran's subtle evolution from interacting with the RFA members; Yoosung is next… So yes expect more chapters. Thanks to everyone leaving comments!!


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